- Who are you?
- Are we friends?
- When and how did we meet?
- Would you kiss me?
- Give me a nickname and explain why?
- Describe me in one word!
- What was your first impression of me?
- Do you still think the same?
- What reminds you of me?
- If you could give me anything what would it be?
- How well do you know me?
- Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
- Would you ever meet up with me?

Humans are strange. We're complex and most of the time hard to figure out.

But we need comfort from other people or animals in some people's point of view. We call them friends or relations. As I write this, I feel someone I trust is making cracks in that bond we had.
But maybe it's me too, maybe I should listen. But where did it go wrong? This has gone for a few months and I hate this moment more then ever. I turn my back and that person turns his. It hurts. It's like having a knife stabbing your heart. Every second.

I don't want to lose that person. That person is so dear to me. I may be stubborn and sometimes annoying but I'm walking my path. Now I'm not saying that that person shouldn't bother with my life, but it's nice to keep the reins in my own hands. I've made bad choises in the past and I learned from it. It's hard to find a job when they can get someone with a higher education.

I kinda see when the cracks began. And I understand that the person wants me to be happy too, but can't I be happy with the path I have now instead of sitting back in the school? I'm almost 25 damnit.
When I read the job applications and see some applications my thought is "send that resume" and I do. Most of the time I don't get a reply and that sucks. Every day I search for jobsites that I written myself in, Every week I call the groups that help me find and get a job. It's annoying getting the words "We don't have anything for you" every. single. time.

I may be an asshole not listening to the person...maybe he'll read it and can see what kind of an dumbass I am...

I'm strange...I'm complex when I'm angry and a open book when I'm "normal"..

Soy un perdedor I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me? -  Beck with Loser

It's wierd...Someone does something completely out of his character.

I heard that 3/4 days ago. A friend of mine (one I expect the least of) got a relationship. Now I'm not the type of guy to say "I totally didn't expect that from you" in a serious way and I'm toally happy for him but now I get "Now you Fhant" from even my friends. That is kind of the last thing I expected, let alone wanted.

Now even some of my friends are expecting me to get a girl. As if it's that easy. I read people's blogs and stuff and I'm happy for them don't get me wrong and even my 'little green me' (the one that hated everyone who was in love) died. It's just that the weight of falling in love is placed on me.
I know, people WANT me to see happy. But behind the smile I now give is still doubt. Doubt that I cannot fight the right one. Doubt that if I find her, I can't keep her forever. I've met wonderful persons the last few year and I want to know every single one of them better, but it's just that I fear myself more...that I stumble and fuck it up.

And here is the most annoying part, the last few years (Ever since my brother has a realtion) I get the words "Now only for Fhant" from my family. I hate it. And I can't do anything about it. I mean, I WANT to but I can't..What can I do about it? Instantly say I have a realtion?

I hate the path I walk now...

"Some of this pain will always stay
Deep and true"- Kamelot (Song: This Pain from the Black Halo)

*sigh* Let's begin at the start shall we?

I had a job and I resinged from it after 3 weeks. I wasn't content with the hours made and I wasn't content with the people around me. Therefore, I left. This all happend yesterday.
The first thing I heard was my mother saying "You could have looked for work and still worked there? I would have done it if I were you."
Then the people from the angency where I worked: "Honestly, if I were you I would have looked for a job and worked there."
Then my dad: "I would have done it diffrently. You've done a stupid thing."

And you know what's so strange?

1. They are older (Thus more experienced) then me
2. They "know how to do this"

And the most important one:


There, now if you all excuse me, I got some people to write and resumés to send.

 

My feet are still sore from standing an walking all day. But I had fun! Abunai 2009 wich was held in Zwolle was a great place!

I arrived on Friday around 14.00 with a backpack and my Guitar Hero controller sticking outside of it. Unfortunately, is was so hot I couldn't wear my Guitar Zero outfit (Witch was very small T-shirt from Sonata Artica, Ripped Pants, leather jacket for the winters, speakers, Ipod and then the controller.)  so it died a silent death from Den Bosch to Zwolle (2 hour train ride)

First thing I did was calling Kage and asking if I could get in. And I did..Later on I reaized I didn't actually "WROTE" myself in at the check in but that was fixed easy. I even got my money back (Yay VIP ticket!!) Afther that I just walked around the con and Cella (A very good friend of Kage and soon to be mine too XD) was amazed at the facked that I was going back and forth from Den Bosch to Zwolle everyday. So she offerd to crash at her place on Saturday. Well, I wanted to be home early that day so I left around 20.00 from the con and then went to bed around 0.00.

On Satuday I  ACTUALLY had to have the train of 7.49 to get there at 10 but I was like "hell no" and woke up calmly. I packed my stuff and waited in my Rude cosplay for the bus. I wonderd if people were thinking if I was a buisness man or a person in a suit going away for a weekend ^_^; Still, I arrived at Zwolle arounf 11.45 and dropped my stuff. From that point I had a photo shoot (Pic below is me and a Reno cosplayer doing a scene from FF VVI: AC). I had fun especially when I had "Jenova's head" (It rattled XD) in my pocket and said "This has been claimed by Shinra companies". I even got questions how I got the VIP ticket and who I was cosplaying. I had to explain I didn't shave my head for a job interview I had on Monday, otherwise I would have done it. But the Aztek TV photographer thought I probably was cosplaying Agent 47 from the Hitman games. If you read this Mr. Aztek TV photographer, I'll draw a barcode in my neck with 47 on it just for you so you can make a double set of photo's! One as Agent 47 and one as Rude :P. I also sang "Master Exploder". An Elena cosplayer was suprised that I could hit those high notes XD I have some inspiration!!!
Around 2.00 me and Cella and some other people who were crashing at her place went to her house. The ride was put down in a few words: GIT DAHWN!!! And Cella was so worried that I was getting it cold.

On sunday, I woke up with a wet neck. I sweated my jogging sweater but still I was doing fine. I put on a Abunai 2007 Gopher T-shirt (It's washed now Cella, you'll be getting it back!!) and we went back to Zwolle. There I put on my Richard cosplay and got some funny photo's. I even had to carry a "Spinzaku". My robe is black, I could be photoshopped out of it XD. around noon I attended the Chibcon cosplay dating competition. I was in the batcherlor group as Richard. For the ones that don't understand what's a cosplay dating show is: A cosplayer (From any series) is the interview and is in desperate need of a batchelor, the batchelors (4 or 5) have to answer his/her questions.
The questions I got were (Answers will be replied after it.):

What would you do if I died in your arms?
Don't worry, I know a good priest who can fix that!! Benn'Joon? Benny!? Ben? Well, I could always close your wounds with fire and put your body in a corpse I just made and (I got cut off here with an ew from the person)

What would you do if you saw I was wearing my cosplay wrong?
I'd probably laugh...And laugh... and laugh... and laugh some more...And laugh some more...Yeah...

(This was the question to someone else)
What would your favourite song be and why?
*Insert Richard singing "Slaughter your world" here* (As I write this, maybe a Dick roll would have been better)

After the questions the girl wrote me (Batchelor number 4) and batchelor number 1 off. She had to pick between 2 and 3.
Richard: Number 2 would probably be emo and cry in a corner..And number 3 would rape you...

After that I picked number 1 and 3 (3 was chosen by the interviewer). And number 1's sister (Exact same copy of number 1) wanted to join me. And thus Richard went home with 3 girls, leaving the emo behind with a "Pure blood" XD

After that I went home (After hugging everyone I know ofc) I arrived home around 16.30 and then slept until today...

Well, the next con will be Anime con (Since my money can't handle FATCS and London Expo), everyone who reads this: SEE YOU THERE WITH FOR SURE:

Bokuto no Ryu (Shaman King)

AND PROBABLY:

Father Anderson (Hellsing OVA version)
Fhant Maid outfit (Because EVERYONE want me in a maid outfit) 

And now a photo of me in my Rude cosplay:

So... in short... I am planning to make a Guitar Zero cosplay. Some douche who thinks he's uber because he can play Dragonforce's "Through fire and flames" perfectly on easy.

Everything is done and through my scanning of sites I stumble on Newgrounds and a movie of Ilwillpress.

I lol'd...because it was my plan to do like that too! Soon at Abunai I'll be a ass (Not really, just say "I'm better then you because I play Guitar Hero on easy") and then go in Rude mode... YES I'M GONNA BE RUDE FROM FFVIII!! It gonna be freaking awesome (and it's the onlycharacter from FFVVI where I don't have to remove my left arm and change it with a machine gun...)

Illwillpress is also the man behind Fomy the squirrel:


Frequent follower of the Church of Foamy!

Yes that's Pheonix Wright and yest it's played by (as my eyes do not decive...) women...



I WANT TO SEE IT!!!

Here's a little photo meme!


- Make a Picture of at least 5 Objects/treasures/things that you like or that say "Me".
- 1 thing of each, not 3 games and 2 dvd's that kinda stuff etc.
- Explain everything on the picture why it's Important or why it says "Me".
- Tag up to 4 people.

(For the ones that ALSO look on my Deviant, yes it's one and the same!!)
( BIG PIC IS BIG! PRESS Q2255AFADADFSDF TO TURN OFF CAPS AND MAKE THE JUMP!! )

Yes, It's a double whammy today (read: The journal before this was written on another date but I never cared about it posting it...)

I had a great last 3 days, that's because I worked at my old helpdesk company. The one I got fired from by te higher ups. It's strange but the first call I took was easy and from there on it was going great. I mean, the second day (Yesterday) I got assinged to a few "old projects" that I could do. And I was pulling them off too! It's a shame I didn't saw one person I really wanted to talk to but still... There were 3 other people and afther he first day we were already done with the assingments we got, just a little list to do and we were done!

The second day was even a suprise and I did my job good (so I've heard). And today (My last day, it was a 3 day job...) I even got comments from "old collauges" that they were suprised that I didn't picked up the phone with hesitation. The first day there I was very afraid I was doing something wrong so I listend for 1½ days to the others. And now all I did was sigh and called the first person to ask if they were interested in my help for info. Most of them turned it down or had an appointment set for another date but I felt that I was in my element. A great place to work, close by my home and great colleagues. Hell I even toutured the 3 others a bit on how to talk over the phone (  It's best to say "That's for waiting sir/madam" instead of "I'm back!", it sound less Shining and more neat.)
I wish they offerd me a job there, but who knows... maybe I can work there...I just need to kick Randstad (A company that supplies jobs..) out inbetween!

But I also realized again that what I did there was something I was good at and made me feel good. I'ts a path I want to walk instead of saying "This is just a sidetrack that I walk to get to my goal." No, this is more a path that I walk to get me to my goal and keep on walking afther that point.
Sure you need money to survive and you even need to do the crummy jobs to get it but this is a job I want to do. I just want the right people around me where I can be assured that I can work in peace without having to watch my own back if I fuck up.

I think this is something I have to focus on..But let's just wait for the other job applicants I sent out to see how it fares there...

Remember the time that you were a kid on saturday morning with no internet and nothing to do whatsoever (Read: Living in Holland is fun, you get either rain, more rain or clouded weather) then sitting in front of the T.V.?
I know I do!

Oh I remember the morings with Power rangers and G.I. Joe and Transformers. And all of them subtitled!! Nobody ever DARED to speak over Tommy's voice or tried to copy Cobra commander's voice. Hell if it was dubbed, it was ment for the kids from 1 to 6. If you could read, you watched the subbed series. Opimus Prime in a epic battle between Megatron with lazer guns (Mainly Megatron) and transformations and even catch phrases like "Autobots, Transform and rollout!!"

But now they're making moves of the shows we loved. G.I. Joe, Transformers, (I was going to add Batman too but originating from a comic book and stuff...). Probably over 20 years they're going to make movies of the shows they have now.

Yes I know I kinda ranted about this but hear me out...I actually heard an idea that might catch on!

This is from the site "Once upon a win":
"Maybe it’s just me, I’d rather see a Captain Planet movie than a G.I. Joe movie."

I think he's onto something. Everyone that watched Captain Planet is driving a car and also to put it in Hippie terms "Building on the road to the Earth's destruction man!" If you make  movie like that for kids (Or an action movie, to be honest I don't care, Hollywood already ripped my heart out) you'd call on the kids to help improve the world. Plus it would be fun to see Halle Berry in the suit for Gaia (Yes, I casted Halle Berry as Gaia! Got any other contestants??)  and it's a "inconvienient truth" in kids size!!

Got anyone else that would play a baddie or one of the main characters?

If you have twitter and me in your list, you probably have seen me watching you...

If you don't...


http://twitter.com/Fhant

I'm gonna rage now. Everyone that wants to watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, stand back and please burn some incense for my dying youth memories I had for this awesome series.

( For the other people that want to read this: you have been warned. )

If you can read this, it probably means you too ^_^


"Our mission is t' punish any heretic who would deny the word of God! We will crush yer unholy body and salt th' earth w' yer dust! Amen!" - Father Alexander Anderson (Hellsing)

I give thee...

An ally!!

And starting from today, I'll try (Yes you heard it TRY) to post a quote I heard or find inspiring.


Ending Quote:
"Suddenly, it seems as though all the world's a-twitter."
- Newsweek

Heheh...

( Filthy secrets!! )

Here is a list of games that I want and that I'm playing:

Playing
World of Warcraft PC (Yes, AGAIN.)
Assasins creed Xbox 360 (Playing it to get the conversasionalist achievement)
Eternal Sonata Xbox 360 (Though at a small hold...)
Left 4 dead PC (It's not as scary as I thought it would be...But it's awesome...)

Want
Assasins creed 2 Xbox 360 (The game is sooo awesome)
Prototype Xbox 360 (Being a mutant and killing/helping people...FUN!!)
Final Fantasy VIII PS3/PSP (It will be placed on the PS Home stuff to download it... I'M SOO GONNA GET ME A PSP!!!)
Final Fantasy: Crisis Core PSP (Hey, if I'm getting a PSP, I can at least get the other games...)
Brütal legend Xbox 360 (2 words: ROCK OUT!!)


I should save alot of money...

And after you pressed A, you've unlocked the achievement

( Blog jump: Jump over one blog )

I'm quick in stealing memes, I should be in jail...I stole this from kagemarunl

You are a Romantic Seme!

A true romantic, you're safest sticking with a partner who is gentle and can appreciate your mature, loving ways and protective nature. Most often found with a handful of roses and wine, you are committed to your partner and their happiness, which makes you a perfect match for the Innocent Uke, who you will dedicate yourself to and lavish with gifts and attention.

Most compatible with: Innocent Uke, Clueless Uke

Least compatible with: Badass Uke, Dramatic Uke

What seme or uke are you? Take the experience at SemeUke.com, or find merchandise here.

Oh and on another note... 8 days from now I'll get my own computer!
This mean no more:
 

• "Fhant, could you help me with... " (Our Pc is downstairs, that means easy misuse of me)
• "Hey Fhant, what are you doing??" ( <-  Annoying family members that ask stuff when I CLEARLY have my headset on...what results in)
• "Fhant... Fhant... FHANT!!" (And my being completly annoyed because they interrupted me!)

And my favourite...

• "Fhant, [time of day/date] there is a party, I don't want you seeing behind the computer." (What results into me being bored)

But soon I'll get a new PC! It'll cost me 1000 euros (Screen, PC, keyboard and mouse...) but it's worth it damnit!!

Now only for a router and lots of cables...